Why did I have to be the way that I am? It's infuriating I just need to get it out. I'm 50kgs so I'm fat, I fail the paper bag test so I have brown skin that's considered dark, I'm ugly and I'm rich. It's such a horrible combination! And yes, being rich is a downside too. I have to attend all these balls to meet with family friends and other important people for the sake of reputation, I have to constantly think about keeping connections with important people and families, I need to start preparing myself from now at age 16 so that I can inherit my father's company and still keep it afloat with the establishment of my own firm on the side. Not to mention, in this city everyone knows everyone if you're rich so I constantly have to worry about reputation and what gossiping mothers will think of me. The only good coming out of this is being able to drive a Jaguar! It'd be fine if I was pretty but noo. I'm south asian so everyone (including me) still has this internalized-self hate from being colonized by the British for having dark skin... and that just makes it so hard for me. The only way I'll ever be considered pretty with my skin is if I'm "exotic" and I hate that word... and if I don't lose 15kgs by senior year all the mothers will remember me as ugly and not consider me for marrying their sons. Not that I'd get an arranged marriage, but it'd be so easy to impress in-laws and do good to my father's name if I had the looks to go along with the brains.
I just wish that I was a skinny, fair-skinned Korean or Spanish girl living in a small but pretty apartment doing what she loves. I know this rant sounds like the most ignorant thing ever but it's how I feel, and I needed to get it out somewhere.
Scarlett. Friends October 09, 2019 at 2:06 am11