I need to make this work How

My boyfriend, let’s call him Daemon, and I only started dating 5 months ago. We started as friends and coworkers back in 2017. I found him to be loquacious and he has a dark sense of humor, but very smart and makes stimulating conversations. I tolerated some of his shenanigans at work but then he starts asking me to hang out with him outside of work. I didn’t think much of it, because I didn’t have any friends and it would be nice to hang out with someone besides my mom, grand aunt, and cousins. Then he started inviting himself come to geek gatherings and conventions with me. Again, I didn’t think much of it to bring him along, but he was so damn talkative, the entire drive and always followed me everywhere-even when I dropped hints that I wanted to wander about on my own and go to certain panels. He took me to one of his friends’ houses. I went to the car, quietly came back and heard them talking. I had found out that he liked me. I didn’t like him that way, but I wanted to dance away from the issue and act like I didn’t hear them and closed the door back. He asked me the next day if I liked him back and I said only as a friend. I thought we were done with it but I was wrong.
Since then he would cuddle me, kiss me on the cheek, hold my hand, walk close to me in public, and if I resisted he would start acting apathetic, say that I was “in a mood” or “having an attitude”, or brush it off and say “you enjoy it.” I don’t even like going to his house or to the movies with him because he keeps putting his arm around me and putting the armrest up so he can move closer. Though if I tell him that I’m not feeling well, he’ll back off, but I can only play sick for so many times. There had been times when he would come over for and celebrate the holidays with me and my family ( I live with my mother and other guests would come over) when the day is over with and I tell him that it’s time to go, he starts acting funny and asking why am I in such a rush to get rid of him. When I say that I’m not and that I’m tired, he says I’m having an attitude with him. We get into a small argument and he leaves. Then I’m left wondering what I did wrong. For some reason, he likes for us to hang out at HIS place instead of mine most of the time. There had been another incident when he and I went out with a friend of his and his wife. His friend jokingly asked when Daemon and I would get married. I said that we weren’t anything like that and I saw him like another sibling. He started to behave apathetically, again. Other times, we’d get along, go to the park, and talk on the phone like normal friends, though it consists of him doing most of the talking and about the same things.
This goes on until 5 months ago when I finally agreed to date him. He was still good to me and I felt like I owed it to him to at least try and see how things went. He calls me his “ray of sunshine” or “his favorite person.” However, the moment I agreed to date him, I had a bad feeling in my stomach. I’m not happy in my relationship. He’s pretentious argumentative, arrogant, most likely a misogynist, makes excuses for the dumbest things, I think he’s gaslighted me from time to time, but I can’t tell, and he tends to make something out of nothing. I still don’t even like for him to kiss me or cuddle me. A woman ought to feel safe or content in a man’s arms, but I feel trapped and smothered-as if I’m being held hostage. I could be talking about something that I like and he would randomly interrupt me and say “relax” or “calm down”. He recently did just that. We were in a Barnes and Noble, I was talking about manga and anime and he interrupts me and says “relax” as he unzips my coat. He does that or says that I seem “off” when I’m fine. It’s like he WANTS something to be wrong with me. I’m forced to endure his manosphere/red pill-fueled political tirades. I’m right-leaning myself, almost to the point where I’m practically a conservative, but DAMMIT SHUT UP AND LET ME RELAX AND WATCH TV. He even lectures me sometimes when I don’t agree on something. I find myself agreeing with him just to keep the peace and hopefully to shut him up. He’s even tried to get me to watch certain red-pill, men’s rights, anti-religion (I’m Christian, he’s Atheist), and MGTOW videos. I can’t wait to get away from him, because it’s so exhausting and miserable being around him. He’s even grabbed and squeezed my arm during an argument once and shifted all the blame on me, even when I admitted my fault. I feel as though I let my dumb weak-willed self get strong-armed into this friendship and relationship. Yet, I’m trying to make it work because he really likes me, treated me well, I have very few friends, and this may be as good as it gets for me. I’m too old (30 in April), fat, and homely be picky and don’t have that many options. Think of Princess Fiona in her ogre form, but with a tan, Afro hair, glasses, and acne scars, about to reach spinsterhood. Maybe if I keep him happy, eventually I’ll learn to get used to the bad in him, focus on the good in him, he’ll stop the mind games, and I’ll be content.
I also worry that my childish romantic fantasies of what I think happy and healthy relationships are, also contribute to my dissatisfaction. I always used to, and still do, daydream about dancing, skating, walking around a big mall while holding hands, riding the Ferris wheel at night while watching fireworks and carnival lights, playing and walking on a beach, and/or sharing a milkshake with some unattainable dreamboat like Charles Melton, Jay Park, or Pierre XO. I’d feel this lightness in my chest, I’d be glowing, and I’d hear chimes. He’d listen to me talk about things that I like and won’t cut me off and start going on about guns, cars, his computer, or more red-pill garbage. He’d be level-headed, compassionate, and would respect my beliefs. I know it’s stupid and juvenescent to think that an aging ogress like me can have that. I really need to make this work. How do I learn to be content with what I have and learn to love Daemon like he loves me?

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Rory Relationships March 11, 2021 at 11:53 pm 0 2