ignore was posting elsewhere

Hello loves, not sure if I should be posting this here but have been dealing with these intense feelings for a few days and seeking advice or solace without being judged, maybe any of you have felt the same. I have a huge crush on an incel, please let me say I am by no means an incel or anything, in fact, I'm a brown, bisexual, woman, so the complete opposite. I know many of you will not believe me, I don't blame you, please just ignore I would rather have this post be more me talking to myself than deal with any negative comments. He has gone through the same things and feelings as me, abused by authority figures, neurotic, sleep-deprived dealing with hallucinations/delusions, depressed, and alone. He has said in some posts he is more angry than sad, I'm much more apathetic than him. I use IT and saw a post on there. decided to check out the forum for 'fun' ig. I first noticed his pfp, It was a slasher, specifically my favorite. I'm a huge fan of slasher films. There are actually quite a few incels I've seen with slasher pfps, Leatherface, Jason, Michael, whatever. I believe in his post he talked about being neurotic. I could relate to his feeling of loneliness, that you would die alone, depressed, and stuck in a never-ending cycle of the 'blackpill'. That day I managed to make an account actually, I will admit I came off wayy too strongly and weirdly, especially because they don't allow women on there so I must've seemed like some weird gay twink hitting on him. I messaged him and replied to his posts and what do you know, I got permabanned for harassment and homosexual activity. Was probably wayy too obvious and stupid calling him things like love and sugarplum, fuck me for that, I'm a dunce. Tried making more accounts to rejoin, but got rejected. I'd have to wait 6 months to request to join again and the mods hate gay ppl (ofc) so doubt I'll get in again. Using the banned account(you can lurk but not post or anything) I filtered the posts to threads posted by him and looked through his post history for like 3 hours. He said he thinks 'curry' (in this case, brown)girls are the worst and ugliest which honestly really fuckin hurt because I grew up hating the color of my skin and wishing I was white, I still feel that way sometimes, that maybe if I was like what they call a 'stacy' I would be able to get some guys. He said he hates wide or chubby women and I have pretty big hips and a baby face. I don't believe I am very ugly, but I really took a hard hit on that one. This guy is fucken balding, neurotic, and probably really fucken ugly, he's tall (over 6ft) and I believe he works out. I have no fucken chance with this disgusting fuck. Why??? because of things I myself can't control. I wish he noticed me, I wish he liked me, or at least girls that look like me, I wish I wasn't such a fucken idiot. I'm a pathetic fuckin loser with nothing better to do. I want to hug him, caress him, 'ascend' with him and I have no idea what he looks like, I just love his personality(ignoring his racism, sexism, homophobia, whatnot) I feel like I could understand him on a personal level, and maybe he could understand me. What the fuck am I doing with myself. I'm ashamed, disappointed, disgusted. I wish we could meet irl just so I could see him and he could see me. He might be 6ft, still an ugly fuck that'll be alone forever. I keep fuckin telling myself because the thought of him with another woman just fucking sucks. I believe he is suicidal too, but not the one to directly attempt, quite like me. I have attempted a few times and have constant urges/tendencies, he also compulsively picks his lips, which sounds fuckin gross and minor but it's something I'm seriously insecure about, and he does it too. I just wish I could chat with this guy, and see if maybe he'll like me, I seriously doubt it. Life just fucking sucks, to me life is like endlessly falling down a hole, hitting rocks on the way down, being able to grab a rock poking out of the wall with the hope you would stop falling for one fucking second, and you slip and just end up cutting your hand and falling deeper. It's currently 5:30 AM here with birds chirping outside, haven't slept. Long rant I know but I feel a lot better. Hope all is good with you loves.

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yy5 Crushes April 24, 2022 at 5:38 am 0 5