I really don t know

My life is just so, so easy! I'm only XX, but I feel like everything is falling apart. STILL. it might be, but I really am not sure.
I have no friends, and even if I did, I wouldn't be able to talk to them because of covid. I have, like, two friends, and I am not really even that close to them anymore.
I did have more, "friends" I guess, but they really weren't that important.
The first friend I knew since 1st grade...heck, he was ALWAYS hanging out with me...until, in 3rd grade, he...had to move. To a new school...we never really talked. It really messed me up.
I mean, why didn't we talk? Well, we were just 3rd graders, what were we supposed to do?? Call each other on OUR phones?? pfft, like we even had a phone.
And we never really got to meet up. Whenever we did, we just were at his house and doing stupid stuff for an hour or two. ONLY TWO HOURS WITH A PERSON I HAVENT SEEN IN A YEAR, MOM. WHAT THE **** IS YOUR PROBLEM???? WE WERE THE BESTEST OF ALL FRIENDS IN THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh, yeah, and in 4th grade (Yes, when we didn't get to see each other) I started to develop, and don't judge me, a crush on him.
HOW DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE YOU HAVENT SEEN IN FOREVER??????
I don't know.
The second friend...we are still in contact, I guess...
idk she texts me once in a while, but it really feels like she'd rather play Roblox with her other friends cuz apparently I'm WAAYY TOO STUPID or some shit, even though she never says that and she is actually very, very kind. it's just she doesn't have good, what do they call it, netiquacy? like etiquacy but on the****??
Yeah, so I've discovered we have almost nothing in common. She doesn't play the same games as me, likes the same things, book, shows, tastes... etc. And that's just the simple stuff.
Worse, SHE LIKES TIKTOK. and she doesn't even spell it right!!!! AAUUGGHH!!!!! I hate tiktok, but that is for another rant.
She is also hiding something from me, something VERY important. I really don't know what it is, but there was like 3 different really weird different things she had to tell me.
1. She had covid (WHAAT??? She didn't tell me anything more)
2. She showed a lot of people on tiktok her face, room, and other room. (She still calls it her play room even though WE ARE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL)
3. She was apparently scared to be bi or lesbian bc she didn't want people to pick on her.
That last one REALLY frustrated me. Being bi or lesbian isn't a choice; it's who you are...
yeesh, i really don't like when people think that. And, yes, in case you will ask, I AM BI!!!
Also, i actually told my mom I was bi a few days ago, but I feel like she doesn't really think I'm serious, which kind of hurts, because i was waiting to tell her for SOO long, yet, I hesitated, even though I KNEW she would support me no matter what.

I'm depressed. And I KNOW what depression is like, so I am not making it up. I can explain if people need me to. But no one seems to believe me, even though I am dead serious... it's really sad.... I wish there was SOMEONE i could actually relate to...
And I know there are people on the internet that will say that they can relate, but I don't really want to talk with them, BECAUSE MY MOM NEVER LETS ME!!!!!! LIKE WTF????
I'm in 6th grade, middle school, AND YET I CAN'T EVEN USE YOUTUBE????
My mom and dad don't trust me whatsoever...
It makes me feel really bad, like I'm failing to meet up to some impossible expectation that I can't succeed, but could at least get close to, but I can't even do that.
They want something from me but I really don't know what...
I wish I was a better person...
And apparently suicide is a bad choice...it's also almost impossible when your parents don't trust you.
Like they'd let me even bring a pair of scissors in my room, so how tf am I supposed to kill myself??

If depression isn't bad enough, I also have anxiety, puberty, autism, ADHD, BDD, insomnia, fatigue, and possibly some others.
I can explain to you what all of these mean, in explicit detail, since I am sure not all of you will be able to define EVERY SINGLE ONE (but not in explicit detail)

Depression - It's different for everyone, but my depression makes me feel sad, but yet unable to cry.
Anxiety - worry. that is the best I can do to describe it.
puberty - this is when your body is growing, usually during your preteen through teen years.
autism - I am actually not quite sure what it means, but I have had a doctor prescribe me with it.
ADHD - I am not sure what this means either. It usually means for me that if I don't take my meds i get out of control and annoy other around me.
BDD - not liking the way your body looks like. this is quite common.
insomnia - not being able to sleep and or unable to stay asleep.
fatigue - physical (not "I feel") exhaustion.

I will probably need to research them a bit more.


I have more to rant/vent about, but I know that no one will even read this, so I should stop. And even if they did, the wouldn't read any more, I'm pretty sure.



And, mom/dad, if you are reading this, I don't mean any offense to you. I think you are good people, it's only that I myself have a problem


With somewhat sincerity,

-Cookies



(NOTE: I have may have changed my name, age, and other information to protect my own privacy. Thank you for reading. Really. Even though I don't expect anyone to read this, but if anyone does, thank you. And I mean it.)

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Idek n e more :( Miscellaneous February 04, 2021 at 6:24 pm 0 0