im a loser

im just a loser. I finally left my abusive household but I still feel hopeless, im in a better environment but still so lonely. its not that im not grateful, I could cry of joy, its just my brain. my mental health is still terrible, I really underestimated it. having 6 mental disorders, needing 2 hospital stays, so many meds that didnt work, etc, just makes me so hopeless. its embarrassing and I dont vent to anyone irl cause I dont wanna be an attention seeker. Im glad I moved away from the people who tried to kill me and shit, but its like as things look up, god has to push me down again. I decided to ship some of my belongings to my home, and someone stole all of it. Idc about the clothes and shit, but I cried so hard when I realized my sentimentals were in there. thats stuff from my dead father, dead grandma, dead/hospitalized friends, etc. that I will never see again. I vented to my bf but he didnt really give a shit so i felt worse. He didn't even try to comfort me, so I tried to be optimistic on my own. and then when I got to the new home, I was unpacking, checked my jewelry box, and it was filled with rocks. Pretty sure my sister took my jewelry. I got stolen from twice, and once from my own shit 'family'. I keep imagining my bf getting tired of me and cheating, cuz who wouldnt? and who have I dated that hasnt lol. He's already lied so much, even lied about never lying, so what the fuck. I feel like a joke, I lost my virginity to this man, I feel like a waste. he doesnt enjoy time together, so I feel like I gave up so much just to be remembered as that ex who was such a burden and couldnt even fuck correctly. I often forget that no one knows how to handle my illness, not even myself, so its always kept in and then I burst and cry on my own. so im lost and dk how to deal. I have so many journals I use daily, but pages dont replace people. tears dont replace therapy. how do you define "better" when what is better is still bad. having hope has never done me good, so even when I have better things/situations, I cant fully enjoy them cause I dont want it to hurt worse when it all falls down. I wish I could internalize more, have less empathy or emotions or whatever. My work is to give advice and help people with their mental health, but idk what to do with my own. its like im trying to fill a hole that has holes in itself. Everything is still so cold, empty yet heavy, lonely. everything i do is wrong and i blame myself.

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anonymous Miscellaneous February 03, 2022 at 6:49 pm 2 0