It s a chemical inbalance

I'm 18. I've been clinically depressed since I was 6. I don't remember much of my childhood due to how miserable I was, so it's been blocked out. It isn't as bad as it used to be, but I don't think I'll ever be recovered. It's a chemical imbalance. Everytime I'm doing okay I can feel it seeping back into my veins, lying in wait to crush me. It's unbearable. I'm proud of how far I've come because I promised myself from an early age I wouldn't even get to middle school. So to say that I'm graduated from high school is really big for me. Sometimes I wonder if it was worth it though. Was it worth all of the emotional anguish I went through when I was just a kid? Was it worth all of the shit I put myself through just to wake up the next morning feeling the same? Did I do more psychological harm than good to push through such turmoil? And what's to say it won't go back to the way it was? Who's to say it won't get worse? Then what do I do? Surely I'd kill myself. I'm never going back that far down again. I can't let that happen. The only reason I ever stayed was for my mom. She lost her mom to suicide at a young age, I wasn't about to let her lose a kid to it to. Everything I did as a kid had my mom in mind. I remember telling her how I wanted to die when I was in first grade and I couldn't understand why she was crying, but I knew that I couldn't tell her that again or I'd hurt her. So I struggled in silence for years to do what I thought was keeping her safe. I made it out of high school, the last thing I promised myself I wouldn't make it to. But I still wake up some days and say "I'm done. It wasn't worth it. The hurt outweighs the promise of a future." Then I think of my mom, and I have to stay. I would rather suffer than hurt her like that. She would blame herself. And it's not her fault. She's a wonderful mother and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. So I'll suffer in silence until I'm not suffering, because she's my mom.

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anonymous Miscellaneous August 17, 2021 at 10:22 pm 0 0