I am just dissapointed

So here it is. Earlier I just finished paying for my school uniform. I went to my family group chat to inform it as well as my plan to go to the city already. My mother, then suddenly told our father, that we woke up late, didn't eat food on time, don't do chores and such. We, meaning me and the eldest sister. There's only two of us and I'm the youngest. My father, who is working abroad, suddenly didn't agree to us going to the city. He said we were too lazy and immature to go live alone in the city. And said we'd rather not go into college. I am an incoming freshman, my sister is in her 4th year. So it's clearly unfair to me since I've been wanting to go live in the city.

My sister already had the experience before covid happen. But I haven't. So it's clearly unfair.

Then I'm here crying because of it. And my mother when she saw me, ask me why I'm frowning. She knows why I'm frowning. And I am not gonna respond to that question because I'm still dissapointed about what happen. I don't wanna say something that I might regret later. I always feel like no one really understands me. My father said that I'm we're too lazy. Well I, am the only one who helps my mom, when it comes to cooking, I keep assisting her. Or she told me to cook and I will. I also do my own laundry. My sister? I haven't even seen her doing all of her laundries. I know how to clean. But lately I have been mentally drained. So I am having a hard time doing chores. My mother doesn't know that, she doesn't even ask me if I'm okay or smthn. I'm not angry at her. I'm just dissapointed. It's unfair to me. I made effort to enter college. I did an exam, I manifest, I tried to be positive for my result. And I passed. I got in. But everything is useless now that my father doesn't want us to study in the city. I'm hurt. Yeah I know that my father works hard for us. And he already has medications. And I appreciate his hard work.

They said we're too immature to go live alone. How can I be immature??? I have been trained already when I was in high school, my mom is busy to community work while my sister is in the city that time my dad is working abroad and I'm alone in the house. I go to school without breakfast and eat snacks when I'm hungry. And when I'm sick I just go to the clinic to drink medicine. And there are times when I was so sick because of my period. I had painful cramps. The school sent me home. And my mom wasn't there. No one was there. I had trouble getting upstairs to my room to sleep the pain off. And I almost fainted in the middle of going upstairs. I took care of my self when mom wasn't. She basically stopped making breakfast when my sister got off to college. I was alone. And that how my mind matures. I became independent. I don't ask for help to anyone until I feel like I need one.

They also said that we don't eat in the right hour. But I know to myself that I won't let myself starve. So sometimes I cook food for myself cuz no one will.
They said we always get up late.
My body clock is broken because of summer and I kept awake till 2 - 3 am. But I can fix that. I know how to fix my body clock.

So basically all my life I know how to live alone. No one is helping me. No one is there for me when I'm sick. I've became independent.

I kept my depressive state to myself. My mom know this but she thinks that I'm okay now. But I'm not. I will never be.


I just lost my chance of socializing with people my age ( I promised myself that I'll start socializing when I'm in college.) I just lost my chance living the city life I've always wanted.
I'm so dissapointed at myself.


I have no words left. Goodbye.

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Zea Miscellaneous July 30, 2022 at 10:30 am 0 0