Just my life in general

I really don't like a lot of my friends.
They all are part of the LGBTQ+ community, which is great, but it is kind of what binds them together and I'm a straight white girl and so I'm the 'token straight', apparently. I would really like to make clear that the reason I don't like them isn't because of their identity, but it's just how left out I feel with them. I think this became really clear to me when we were walking to town, and I thought it would be quicker to go the other way. Their response was something like this:
"Yeah sure, but we have to pick something up en-route. Do you just want to come this way?"
I think that this is why I stay with them; it's probably one of the two reasons. They do try to include me, and they come up with these great ideas to do. But the problem is when I am included, and we're all together, more often than not I'll be on my own. And it is the most lonely I have ever felt to see their happiness all clumped together in front of me. And their 'great ideas' often lead to late plans and 'I don't think we should.'
I think that day I was feeling particularly left out, so I really didn't want to spend more time like that and I just wanted to be by myself so I kept walking and told them I'd meet them there. And as I walked there, with no one in front of me, it felt relaxing. I don't think I had any particular thoughts on my walk, I was just content to focus on the route.
Eventually, we did meet up at the allotted place. One of them pulled me over for a chat. It was completely reasonable, and she was completely in her right to say it:
"I think you need to stop separating from us. Especially since it's getting dark lately.-" she did say this as lightheartedly as possible - "And also, that time, my dad was angry because you went off but you have to understand it was because it was he was responsible for us."
The time she was referring to was a sleepover with most of us, and we had walked down to the beach, and I just really wanted some time alone, and a walk, so I asked to go a different way. They said that was fine, so I went. I got back, by the sounds of it, about 10 minutes after the others return, and I asked if her dad was at all angry.
"No, of course not," she had said.
Evidently, he was. I don't think I realised how relieved I was that I was told he wasn't, because when I was informed of the contrary, it felt like such a heavy weight. I don't really know how else to describe that feeling of knowing something's happening that going to make you cry later.
One thing that really grates me though, is their constant reel of 'oh we're all so socially anxious, haha.' Like, no you're not. That's why there's fourteen of you.
I have a friend who is sort of outside the group, but I hang out with them because they were part of the group in years previous when it was all of us, but they kind of drifted. And her problem is that she is that 'I have it better/worse than you' or 'I'm interested in this so let's make it dominate our conversations.' And when you provide criticism, she replies with an 'f*** you' and holds a grudge, for no reason other than you disagree with an opinion.
I think it is because of my lack of joy at school, that I cling to the things outside of school. Of the two there are, the one that brings me genuine enjoyment is a one-and-a-half-hour climbing session once a week. And for that time, I feel completely relaxed, and with friends that I enjoy spending time with and there is no place that makes me more me. And this could take ages to dally around before actually saying it, but this enjoyment probably largely derives from the fact my crush also attends these sessions. Let's call him Fraser. We usually pair up for these sessions, and it is depressing how much joy I receive from him assuming we're working together. I love every second I spend there, both that atmosphere and the company.
Recently I asked to meet outside of the club, and we did. What thrills me the second most - figure it out for yourself - about this arrangement, is that he likes to walk, which is a hobby that all fifteen of my friends had yet to show any real excitement in. To find someone who will come on walks with you without any bribes is unbelievable. The walk we did only happened five days ago, and I'm planning a walk for the coming weekend, and am hesitant to ask him. Personally, I would be thrilled if he could and would come, but I don't want to seem like I want to meet up constantly. Basically, I don't want to appear too clingy. But, regardless of who he was, I do just genuinely want a person to come on walks with me, without getting the wrong impression.
His feelings towards me are a grey area, so I'm doing nothing at the minute.
My other out-of-school activity is a cadet group. There's an amazing sense of belonging there, but I live in constant fear that they will get bored of me and people will decide to stop talking to me.
I am at a point in my education where I am looking at options for the future. At this point, I am fairly set on the 'what', it is just a matter of the 'where.' While I'm fairly confident in where I would like to go, a different place, my parents argue the opposite, for me to stay where I am, for the sake of being comfortable, set-up and of it having a higher academic attraction. And while these are valid points to consider, I think their whole problem started when I mentioned it would be great to go because one of my friends already attended the school. I meant this as an upside of the school and as a minor pro. Not my whole reason for going.
I do love my family, but this has been the cause for argument for a while, and I really want to feel supported in my decision to move. In the end, it is my choice so I think I know which I will choose, but I don't want this to be something that causes a split.
I think I've realised as I am writing this, that I have subconsciously seen this eventual move to the other school as a way out of the miserable position of my social life. Perhaps it's a little too optimistic, but I just want to be surrounded at school by friends who i enjoy spending time with, and hopefully like.
I appreciate that my problems, in relation to the grand scheme of things and larger issues, are inconsequential, but all these factors have made me increasingly apathetic towards most events and circumstances in my life.

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Sabina Miscellaneous November 17, 2021 at 6:45 pm 4 1