Having a sibling with cancer

My little brother recently was diagnosed with lymphoma, a kind of white blood cell cancer which affects very few children and is most common in elderly people with health problems that develop later in life. However as he's so young, so it was completely out the blue.

At first, when he was in ICU for the cancer had caused a side effect which meant one of his lungs was completely difunctional. We were told that if his lung was not drained and reflated, it wouldn't even matter that he had cancer, he would die from lack of oxygen.

So he stayed in hospital for a week or so, which was the worst part of all this so far. I visited him in the ICU and that night I went home and cried myself to sleep. How sick he was terrified me. And even though I am 16, I just wanted to curl up in a ball like a child and make it all go away.

While he was in hospital, my mum never once left his side, she stayed there 24/7. He has extremely bad separation anxiety. Which was a good decision, yet me and my sister never saw her. I missed her everyday and struggled to explain this to anyone. I fell into a cycle of not looking after myself, the same as I did when my nana passed. I started having nightmares, and still have them now. Not really ever about him, but about things like my nana being alive again, or unable to stop myself from walking down stairs which were flooded, people I loved turning against or hurting me emotionally. There were days where my main meal was a bowl of uncle bens rice, or maybe some instant noodles. I felt like pure crap, I had just got myself to a healthy weight, only to lose even more. I have started eating better and can already see the results these past few weeks. I did have my dad and older sister home with me, yet its hard to talk to them about these thigs as my sister is extremely reserved about most things and my dad is struggling enough as it is.

I also cannot see people in person, due to the pandemic. If my mum or brother test positive or have to isolate, my brothers chemo treatment is stopped until it has passed, for otherwise he can get even more sick. So to keep him safe, My sister and I only leave the house for work and hospital visits. And talking over facetime about these things is even harder than in person. I saw one of my friends recently however, and she did a great deal. L is one of my close friends who actually originally befriended me to get closer to my best friend as they had a pretty big crush, however it turned out we were pretty compatible together and we put it aside as a joke to have a proper friendship, L and I recently went to a little village fate near my house, which was outside in a field so it was pretty covid secure as long as we kept our distance from everyone. That night we talked and I was able to get my feelings out.

Because truth is, I've started to feel just lonely. I do not have my mum around, my brother is in hospital, my dad is preoccupied and my sister is unable to talk about her feelings or have serious conversations with. And seeing happy people living normal lives hurts. For I want that for my family, I want them to be happy and to return to our normal. Because everyone from the outside is saying, "this is your new normal," "You'll have to get used to it," but how on earth is this normal? How is this supposed to be? Should children just have to have cancer because the universe said so? How is that fair? I hate it. It shouldn't be normal. He should be riding his bike down the lanes right now, playing annoying shooting games with his loud friends, calling me and my sister poo heads or whatever. Because that's normal. That's what it should be.

It just feel like no one understands these feelings. For I know no one minus my family who have experienced such, like my friends can listen, but what else is in their power to do? Nothing, because they shouldn't be in a position to give me the answers I want, for they don't know. And I appreciate them so much for just being there and loving me, but I feel so small and lonely. I want my family back. That's all.

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Em Siblings August 07, 2021 at 7:12 pm 0 0