I don t know what I feel

I feel like my relationships are messed up. I thought I was in a good place but I have situations where things go wrong and I realize it's me. I'm the one messing up. I'm not a shitty person but I do shitty things sometimes because of lack of sympathy/empathy. I know overall I'm kind and ambitious and try really hard but at times I get spikey and can hurt others being confused by myself. My aunt got mad at me because I told my mom to shut up in a Burst. I wasn't yelling or arguing with my mom but I was upset at something while talking and couldn't control it and in a little Burt's of my bubble I said something along the lines of "ah shut up mom" as I tried to walk away my aunt yelled at me pissed. "who are you to talk to your mom like that" "the person that gave you life" in that instance I didn't feel remorse or regret. Still don't. Although I know it wasn't right. And so I feel guilty over doing something bad not because I didn't mean it or didn't want to do it, just because I know I shouldn't have done it. I'm reo quite as I type this out but I keep thinking about it. She said she wouldn't hesitate to beat me if I did that again. I don't know what to think. I am scared but not really. Not really at all. I don't fear it. I just don't get it. What's disciplining me by hitting me supposed to do. What are we supposed to after you hit me. I would probably be crying as quietly as I could but am I supposed to be scared of you after that. In fear? Scared to disobey? Am I supposed to go on like I "learned a valuable lesson"? What would you think of if you were hitting me. That i deserved it? What after that when you're looking at me seeing the marks you left depending on wther you can see them or not in what I'm wearing. I guess I should mention I'm a girl btw. Maybe it's the teenage hormones and period hormones but I usually think like this. I obliviously have feelings opinions and things like that but I don't know. What do you think? In situations where I do things like that and make myself a bad guy should that be the consequences of my actions? Would discipline be abuse? Even if it's just one time? Would it be wrong of me to try to run away from those situations?

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Lucy Relationships June 11, 2022 at 5:03 pm 0 0