When shit gets bad it gets real bad

Today started off okay and progressively got worse and worse. It's been more than a week since I got the first Phizer shot, ever since then I'm nauseous all the time. That has removed my appetite, my large amounts of caffiene and nicotine have been reduced to cold turkey, and every little thing is irritating. For all the good things in my life, I am dissatisfied with the state of things, and my interactions quickly have become terse, and conversations are pointless. Even as I write this I'm hoping for a rant to bring relief, but I know it won't.

My project today was to bend a couple pieces of conduit and install them. The location in the ceiling was cramped and I could barely do the things needed to make progress. I bent those two needed pieces eight times, and even still they didn't come out how I wanted them! I've built a lot of things recently that came out great, but today things just WOULD. NOT. GO. RIGHT. And every time I have one of these days, I can feel my self respect go out the window.

At home, all I can hear is my uncle bitching at the TV on the other side of the wall. It's also a school night, where I'll spend three hours learning not much because I'm too irritated to give much of a shit. I know everyone hates the attitude I have right now, for every reason that "I'm not helping the situation" by feeling as I do. Everything today feels like failure, and yes, it's all my fault. I don't care.

Everyone's got their own problems, and these are mine today. Taking a figurative happy pill doesn't fix it, and even the rant seems more pointless as I continue to write it. Why am I doing all the things I'm doing in my life? This supposed path to a happier life is driving me up a wall, even though I chose to do it. It's supposed to be: makes better health choices, finish school, get an electrician's license, work work work, save money, save money, save money until..... what? Spend my life working so I can retire when I'm no longer able to physically enjoy my life?

I've been told to write a thousand more gratitudes, be thankful to be alive, appreciate how lucky I am to be employed, things aren't as bad as they seem, but in general I'm not supposed to express any of these frustrations I have out loud. How I feel about life right now isn't valid, I'm just being a victim, and if I let myself express these things long enough, people would rather I just go away. Either improve it yourself, or shut the fuck up. I understand where that viewpoint is coming from with it.

Sometimes a person really is alone.

---

Frank Miscellaneous September 22, 2021 at 6:38 pm 1 0