jealousy

I've been so behind on school work and my whole body regrets it since school is my only source of validation. My whole fuccin life I've dedicated myself to be a good student as i was overpraised as a child. As I got older, i haven't been praised as much since they got used to it and deemed it as normal of me to be good at shit when in reality i was giving all that i had just to ace that test or something.So, entering high school and studying in the science, technology, and engineering special program, I realized i wasn't so special and that i was basically average. That enraged me for some fuccin reason. I started to pretend to not care about school but when no one is around, i study my ass off. And because i was so stressed, i didn't retained anything from those study sessions, it was just there until the end of the exam or presentation. As school went on, i realized studies wasn't the only thing i needed to be good at. I had to be pretty, skinny, talented, and a fuccin saint. Which all in all, i was the complete opposite. the worse thing was, i was friends with the girl that everyone said was perfect. she was the standard. I was just in their shadows, and some of her other friends barely even knew we knew each other ( or didn't know me at all). she had good grades, cool friends, she was pretty, and fuccin talented. When the pandemic hit, things started to get worse for me, but better for her. Now i know that what i see is just the tip of an iceberg to what she has going on for her, but i just cant help and feel jealous. I also know that none of the things happening to me is because of her, then again i just can't help but feel jealous. And when she tells me that something bad has happened, i somehow feel relieved and happy about it. Shit friend, ikr. i feel so sorry for feeling that way but idk why i do. none of these things happening to me are her fault .

---

akc Miscellaneous April 23, 2022 at 6:39 am 0 0