Should I seek a Therapist

Should I go seek a therapist and/ or anger management classes and what should I expect if I do? I’m a 30-year-old spinster who lives at home with her mother, works a dead end job, and is scared to move up. I think I probably have some anger problems. I try really hard to suppress that, but lately it’s been even more difficult than before, especially at work. I even find myself getting frustrated over the smallest things. That “time of the month,” doesn’t help the situation. I think part of it is due to a lot of feelings that I’ve held back for so long because I didn’t want to make trouble or get punished. I don’t like feeling that way and I want to be rid of it.

I just don’t feel normal. On the inside I feel like I’m warping between an overly mature adolescent or someone’s “young-at-heart” grandmother. The fact that I’m often mistaken for my late teens or early 20s, makes this all the more interesting-not that I’m complaining on that part. It’s pretty funny how shocked people get when I tell them my age. I have a lot of interests and hobbies that many people would find “childish” or “weird” for my age group. I like comic books, cosplay, manga, anime, old cartoons, teen shows. I hate sports, politics, the news, and all the other boring “grownup” crap that other grownups like to yap about. I like to shop at stores like Hot Topic and SHIEN. Other times I feel like I have a hard time keeping up with or understanding new trends and ideas and even scoff at some of them like a grouchy elderly person.

I love my parents and brother, but there’s still a part of me that holds some resentment towards them. I don’t ever want to tell them that, though. Things were fine when I was a kid. I think when I ventured into adolescence, things started to change. Middle school was Hell and my parents didn’t make it any better. I would come home from Hell only to be yelled at over this and that. My parents wouldn’t allow me to wear a lot of trendy clothes because they “made me look too grown,” “it’s not respectable,” or “it didn’t fit my body type” (they were on my case about my weight, as well) One time when I was 14, I got busted for wearing ripped jeans. Another time, my dad said that I looked like a street walker and I had on this really cool outfit-a suede jacket, a pair of jeans, and a pair of knee-high boots. It really cut me to the quick. My wardrobe would mostly consist of my mom’s old clothes that make me look older than what I am-and not in the “cool” way. I would either get complements from teachers or be mistaken for one. I wasn’t allowed to do things that a lot of other kids did. All the other kids would be out and about with friends or at parties on weekends and holidays. I would be at home, wishing I could be them, as I’m doing extra chores, watching TV with my aunt (Thank God for my aunt or I would’ve been much worse off), or lamenting in my room. I remember getting punished for stupid reasons while my brother got away with a lot or got a slap on the wrist.He would get whatever he wanted and I couldn’t even dream of asking for the smallest things without hearing “you think you deserve anything?” or “I don’t trust you by yourself” or “I don’t know these people” I would do a lot of the cooking, cleaning, looking after my brother, packing his lunch, making sure he did his homework. I even had to bathe him sometimes-I was 12 and he was around 4 or 5 (that still makes cringe). There was another time when I was told to take my brother to his middle school orientation-I was 19 and he was 11. When mom went school shopping for him, she actually got him clothes from Seattle! (We live in a state that’s close to Washington) I guess you could say that I was jealous of my brother. He was everything that my parents wanted ; a boy, obsessed with military stuff (he would later join the Air Force and fly planes), better grades, sorta better-looking than me, and went out for sports( he was on the baseball team and guess who was driving him to and from practice). I, on the other hand, am just the fat, homely, artsy, choir girl that happens to be related. My brother was already spoiled, but when our parents divorced, that made matters worse. Mom and Dad would shower him with gifts and not punish him as severely when he broke rules or disregarded our aunt who lived with us at the time. I was the only one who had any control over him. When I told him to do something, he obeyed. When something needed to be done, I made him help. At least he has some respect for me. We’ve all gotten a lot better over the years. Yet, sometimes I feel like I’m a fill-in that keeps my mother company until my brother comes home to visit.

I have few friends and a hard time getting close to people, whether it be romantic or platonic, because of a distrust of people that I’ve gradually developed over the past 18 years. Working in customer service and food service, furthers that. I’ve had friends and boyfriends, but I either lose them because I had to move(military), they had to move, we went to different schools, they turned on me and made my life Hell, they turn out to be manipulative sociopaths who used me and bully me into submission. One of them even blackmailed me into stealing for them. Another one, I actually posted a Reddit about. My love life is so pathetic that I could be a New York Times Bestseller. I’ve been cheated on, sexually assaulted, mishandled, and toyed with. Dating in this day and age, sucks. I just feel like I’m a bother and I’m not good enough for the people that I want in my life.

I work a dead-end job that I hate, but I’m scared to leave. I have too much invested in this job. It’s the only job that I can do with little to no screw-ups. I had left this job before to take on a different job but, it was disastrous. My mental health and confidence had taken a huge dive. I took on that new job to see what else I was capable of. After an entire year of verbal and mental abuse, improper training, nightmares, headaches, unfair write ups, roadblocks and lack of proper tools and supplies that prevented me doing what was asked, unreasonable tasks, being afraid to come to work, all from an incompetent, narcissistic micromanaging tyrant, I broke down and quit. It hurt my pride to go back to my other job, but I had to leave. Since then, I’ve been scared to try anything else and I’ve developed a distrust towards management and authority figures.

So what do you guys think? Should I talk to someone? Are therapists safe ? Are they helpful?

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Lola Miscellaneous January 20, 2022 at 12:38 pm 0 0