struggle with self harm

I don't really know how this works but I'm going to give a trigger warning just in case, I mention self harm and suicidal thoughts so if that is something that upsets you I would recommend not reading this (although I doubt anyone will anyway). My first experience with self harm was not with my own. When I was around eight or nine years old I was at a fast food restaurant with my family, we went up to the counter to order and there was a girl working there, probably on her later teen years. She was wearing short sleeves and she had red scars all over her arms. I think on some level I knew what it was, even at that age. I just kept staring at her arms and looking back that must have made her so uncomfortable. I have no idea why I keep thinking about this but it's been on my mind for a while.

When I was twelve I was having really bad anxiety and at that time I did know what self harm was. I decided to cut myself just to see if I felt better. I did and I kept doing it when I welt overwhelmed. I convinced myself I could stop at any time I wanted to, but that wasn't true after a while. I didn't tell anyone about my struggle with self harm. It felt like a dirty secret I had to hide.

I still have anxiety and I still struggle with the urge to self harm. I know I need to reach out for help but it seems so hard to do. I have struggled with self harm for over a year now. I'm trying to get better, I really am but it's hard to stop sometimes. I am only two days clean but I guess you have to start somewhere.

I doubt anyone read this but if you did thank you.

-Elliot

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anonymous Miscellaneous February 27, 2021 at 12:12 am 0 0