I cant live like this

I have known for awhile but for some reason my brain just broke today at the idea that I am still at my college. For the last three years I have been spending 80+ hours a week, every week studying and doing work for school. It's gotten to the point where when I'm here I don't feel any joy. I have had no college experience, have no friends here, have terrible health habits, constant pain in my stomach and head due to copious amounts of caffeine for constant long nights and all of this is just to pass my classes, not even all As or anything. I've tried reaching out to people to make friends but I always get this look like I'm some kind of monster that skinned a cat in front of them or something and while I tried to ignore it the first couple times I see it everywhere I go now. I have no friends and the people I talk to just try using me as a shoulder to cry on with no care in the world about what I'm going through. I feel incapable of knowing who I am or what I'm doing anymore, like I'm a shadow of even the inhuman self I knew myself as for the last three years. I'm especially worried because I planned on PhD and am pursuing letters and shit for it now but fuck I don't think I'm capable of living like this for another 4-7 years and even if I am, what kind of life is that. My one naive goal coming into college was to go to a single party that I didn't host, just to show that someone out there did care about me. I thought it'd be easy coming in but I have such an unfettered hatred for some of these people who call me a friend one second only to immediately turn their back on me and shun, ghost, and otherwise blow me off whenever they do anything and I try getting involved. Not to mention all the shit with my family, I have no home security as my dad passively threatens to kick me out whenever I take my mom's side on anything and the only family members that care for me are massively homophobic and would hate me if they knew I was bisexual. I know it's all my fault, it doesn't make sense for everyone to treat me like a monster if I didn't do SOMETHING to deserve it, but I have no fucking clue what it is and I probably won't ever know cause no one is willing to tell me. Wish I could go to a therapist but my school only has it during the week and I have to work from when I wake up to when I go to sleep every weekday so that's even out. The only saving grace is that when I finally leave this shit hole I'm the happiest person alive. Until then I'll keep chugging along and hope I find something that helps.

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A Miscellaneous September 11, 2024 at 10:19 pm 0 0